UBER PASSENGERS FAVOURITE QUESTIONS / UBER DRIVERS FAVOURITE ANSWERS
1. q. wow, you're white ? A/ maybe.
2.. q. How long you been driving A/ today ?
3. q Is this a GTI ? A/ don't insult the R
4. q. You make good cash? / a killing? / a tonne ? A/ depends on what you mean by ' good cash '
Follow up question.. q. You know.. Good cash ??
- Well once you factor in my petrol, car expenses, food, tolls, drive backs from far trips with no rider i infact don't make a killing or a tonne so I'm not sure where people get this idea from.
5. q. Are you uber? (usually after the person has inspected my licence plate A/ Yes, can't you see on your app?
6. q Do you mind if i ask how much you make ? A/ Not enough to put up with your questions.
A/ Do i come to your office and ask how much you earn?
7. q Do you have AUX / spotify / water / lollies (usually groups of 4 drunk -20s on a 5 - 10 minute trip) A/ How about you put your seat-belt on first and i'll think about it.
8. q Did you get lost ? A/ No, i've been waiting here for you for 5 - 10 minutes. Did you?
9. q Can you thrash it a bit A/ Sure, when you get out.
10. q Can you take me to (Insert address here) A/ Can you put it in your app, thats what its there for.
11. This music sucks can i change it A. Sure. (rider proceeds to flick thru every radio station available until they get out of the car)
12. Can i smoke in the car? A. No, Can you put your seat belt on please.
Its becoming quite clear that society is degenerating into a bunch of insta-grat, demanding little shits that clearly forget the rules of the service they are being provided. I am not your shop, I am not your taxi driver, I don't have to answer all your private questions and i sure as hell don't have to take your drunk and spewing mate into my car to ruin my fine vienna leather upholstery.
But what you have to do is.. enter your destination.. make sure you don't waste 15 - 20 minutes of my time waiting for you, be grateful someone is taking their time and using their private property to give you 1/2 price lift somewhere coz you're too much of a cheapskate to pay for a taxi and too lazy to walk or catch a bus.
Dont burden me with your requests or wants but you can politely ask if you really need it but don't take for granted that I will have it for you because thats what you're perception of an uber is. $5 trip, $2 water, $1 lollies and a headache for 3 hours.
Monday, 11 January 2016
Sunday, 11 October 2015
First weekend. forged in hilarity.
So I thought it would be a pleasant and relaxing entry into my first few shifts.. unfortunately it fell right upon a weekend.. talk about a baptism of fire !
I took a passenger who was quite a pleasant and nice person from my local city area out to the leafy suburbs of the north side where hellish gremlins reside in their parents mansions. My mansion hopping mission began with picking up the wrong riders waiting on the grass in-front of the same house party where my actual passenger was meant to be waiting.. these people yelled out "UBER" just as i pulled up.. and me being a rookie.. i made a rookie mistake.. i forgot to confirm the name on the app... and with their drunk and semi-comatose guest half sprawled on the road and gutter looking like a right ol' mess i felt an urgency to get them home post haste (**now remember girls, dont drink 3x your body weight in one night or you might end up like this girl or in hospital).
After being told like a champion by the guy in the front that he was going to show me a mad shortcut back to his as opposed to the route the GPS was giving me.. unfortunately this guy had failed to see on his own app that he jumped in the wrong fucking vehicle, didnt ask my name and didnt see on my screen either that the map was in-fact trying to take me to what was meant to be to the ACTUAL passengers address on the other side of town!!
after going extra slow to avoid their friend chunderring in my car and enduring 20 minutes of dealing with these numbskulls conversations.. 2 minutes before i arrived at recommended shortcutted destination, after navigating dirt roads which resembled some spaghetti western movie on some god forsaken mountain thinking they should have brought their horse and cart to the party ... the ACTUAL passenger calls me up and asks me where the fuck im going.. i asked who it was and he said its the ACTUAL rider.. i said it cant be because i already have the passengers in my car from the same address and they're nearly home... The passenger in the front took over the conversation saying he knew him..he went on to jovially barrage, then after stating his name and then continuing with an expletive laden barrage where the guy replied with "Jim who?".. to which the passenger had to reveal his full name for the guy to know who stole his uber !!
HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU mr hotshot.
The hotshot in the front seat then went on to reassure me how he would reimburse me for driving them all, being so good about it and wasting my fuel for what was a $30+ trip ... after pulling up to his mountain top mansion, he looked thru his wallet filled with various notes and a bag of coke... ended up giving me $20 coz he was such a generous and good guy. . I just had to take it as a lesson to check who is getting in your car .
However, my late night motorised adventure continued on to taking some up and coming a-league wannabe soccer kid to another mansion party in the circuit... after navigating through a maze of narrow and confusing driveways, some steep-a$$ gutters and a no thru road which led to multiple properties subdivided on the 1 address... ( where he easily could have waited on the street for me... ) 'Hey.. why would anyone want to make it more convenient for some poor uber guy trying to pick them up at 1am for an $8 trip and not wake the whole neighbourhood up with the sound of plastic scraping and exhaust drone through their front yards.. they need value for their money and theres no better value than door stop pickup.'
after getting back on course we had a chat about the the world of futebol then I dropped this fella at some raging mansion party and a girl happened to book in from the same party... easy.. after a quick big urine release in someones front yard.. a tall polite girl who would be no more than 18 years old approached the vehicle and was really well mannered.. i thought 'ah not everyone from this area is that bad' but unfortunately for me she said " we just have to wait for my friends if thats ok"..
after 10 minutes and 5 phone calls from her hurrying her friends up... her 2 banshee'd accomplices entered the TUR7LE... they managed to shriek at the top of their voices for a good 5 minutes at each other about some guy at the party.. after dropping 1 of them off and being verbally abused myself for some odd reason.. i continued on to the final destination where I was being insulted and belittled by the remaining girl in the back seat... i asked her if the source for her jibes were from being upset because she didnt get layed at the party after putting the effort into her attire and makeup and her friend in the front laughed and said yes.
That is where things got interesting.. The girl in the back suddenly changed her tone and started propositioning me... and her friend in the front.. to a 3some. the girl at the front was a bit startled and shocked as to what came out of her friends mouth and must have thought it was a joke at first but after 5 requests for a 3some with the uber driver, the rider girl got out of the car and started asking her friend to get out of the car too coz she was being ridiculous.. where the girl then continued to offer me sexual favours which included, a quickie on the grass... a blow job...or at-the-least a quick handjob because she wouldnt be able to goto sleep otherwise because she was too randy.
I laughed and ignored her at first.. but after she clearly was being serious and not leaving the car after a couple of minutes sitting there like a sod. i asked her if it was my odd styled jeans that were turning her on.. she then started to feel a bit insulted at the fact i started taking the piss and not greeting her offers with any seriousness.. she then went on to question my sexuality but i said ' i don't think my gf would approve of such activities' after she sat there for another 30 seconds ... I turned to look at her for the first time.. gave her the quick glance from bottom to top and said "Nah thanks. You're friend is waiting for you' to which she grunted angrilly and asked how i can resist.. with her hooters almost falling out of her extremely skimpy dress she stumbled out of the car and nearly tripped over her giant heels walking on the street.
.. after somehow managing to get through another 2 hours of shuttling drunken children around the northern suburbs I got back to home-territory in the city and my recharge point of KRISPY KREME. 2 strawberry donuts and a large coffee later i felt like new .. not bad for a first full night of ride sharing.
I took a passenger who was quite a pleasant and nice person from my local city area out to the leafy suburbs of the north side where hellish gremlins reside in their parents mansions. My mansion hopping mission began with picking up the wrong riders waiting on the grass in-front of the same house party where my actual passenger was meant to be waiting.. these people yelled out "UBER" just as i pulled up.. and me being a rookie.. i made a rookie mistake.. i forgot to confirm the name on the app... and with their drunk and semi-comatose guest half sprawled on the road and gutter looking like a right ol' mess i felt an urgency to get them home post haste (**now remember girls, dont drink 3x your body weight in one night or you might end up like this girl or in hospital).
After being told like a champion by the guy in the front that he was going to show me a mad shortcut back to his as opposed to the route the GPS was giving me.. unfortunately this guy had failed to see on his own app that he jumped in the wrong fucking vehicle, didnt ask my name and didnt see on my screen either that the map was in-fact trying to take me to what was meant to be to the ACTUAL passengers address on the other side of town!!
after going extra slow to avoid their friend chunderring in my car and enduring 20 minutes of dealing with these numbskulls conversations.. 2 minutes before i arrived at recommended shortcutted destination, after navigating dirt roads which resembled some spaghetti western movie on some god forsaken mountain thinking they should have brought their horse and cart to the party ... the ACTUAL passenger calls me up and asks me where the fuck im going.. i asked who it was and he said its the ACTUAL rider.. i said it cant be because i already have the passengers in my car from the same address and they're nearly home... The passenger in the front took over the conversation saying he knew him..he went on to jovially barrage, then after stating his name and then continuing with an expletive laden barrage where the guy replied with "Jim who?".. to which the passenger had to reveal his full name for the guy to know who stole his uber !!
HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU mr hotshot.
The hotshot in the front seat then went on to reassure me how he would reimburse me for driving them all, being so good about it and wasting my fuel for what was a $30+ trip ... after pulling up to his mountain top mansion, he looked thru his wallet filled with various notes and a bag of coke... ended up giving me $20 coz he was such a generous and good guy. . I just had to take it as a lesson to check who is getting in your car .
However, my late night motorised adventure continued on to taking some up and coming a-league wannabe soccer kid to another mansion party in the circuit... after navigating through a maze of narrow and confusing driveways, some steep-a$$ gutters and a no thru road which led to multiple properties subdivided on the 1 address... ( where he easily could have waited on the street for me... ) 'Hey.. why would anyone want to make it more convenient for some poor uber guy trying to pick them up at 1am for an $8 trip and not wake the whole neighbourhood up with the sound of plastic scraping and exhaust drone through their front yards.. they need value for their money and theres no better value than door stop pickup.'
after getting back on course we had a chat about the the world of futebol then I dropped this fella at some raging mansion party and a girl happened to book in from the same party... easy.. after a quick big urine release in someones front yard.. a tall polite girl who would be no more than 18 years old approached the vehicle and was really well mannered.. i thought 'ah not everyone from this area is that bad' but unfortunately for me she said " we just have to wait for my friends if thats ok"..
after 10 minutes and 5 phone calls from her hurrying her friends up... her 2 banshee'd accomplices entered the TUR7LE... they managed to shriek at the top of their voices for a good 5 minutes at each other about some guy at the party.. after dropping 1 of them off and being verbally abused myself for some odd reason.. i continued on to the final destination where I was being insulted and belittled by the remaining girl in the back seat... i asked her if the source for her jibes were from being upset because she didnt get layed at the party after putting the effort into her attire and makeup and her friend in the front laughed and said yes.
That is where things got interesting.. The girl in the back suddenly changed her tone and started propositioning me... and her friend in the front.. to a 3some. the girl at the front was a bit startled and shocked as to what came out of her friends mouth and must have thought it was a joke at first but after 5 requests for a 3some with the uber driver, the rider girl got out of the car and started asking her friend to get out of the car too coz she was being ridiculous.. where the girl then continued to offer me sexual favours which included, a quickie on the grass... a blow job...or at-the-least a quick handjob because she wouldnt be able to goto sleep otherwise because she was too randy.
I laughed and ignored her at first.. but after she clearly was being serious and not leaving the car after a couple of minutes sitting there like a sod. i asked her if it was my odd styled jeans that were turning her on.. she then started to feel a bit insulted at the fact i started taking the piss and not greeting her offers with any seriousness.. she then went on to question my sexuality but i said ' i don't think my gf would approve of such activities' after she sat there for another 30 seconds ... I turned to look at her for the first time.. gave her the quick glance from bottom to top and said "Nah thanks. You're friend is waiting for you' to which she grunted angrilly and asked how i can resist.. with her hooters almost falling out of her extremely skimpy dress she stumbled out of the car and nearly tripped over her giant heels walking on the street.
.. after somehow managing to get through another 2 hours of shuttling drunken children around the northern suburbs I got back to home-territory in the city and my recharge point of KRISPY KREME. 2 strawberry donuts and a large coffee later i felt like new .. not bad for a first full night of ride sharing.
1/2 price fares and leather chairs.
Willkommen Leute
As this is a recollection of the past few months of my foray into the funny and often fiendish realm of ride sharing.. please bare with me as I recap to the best of my infinitely wonderful memory and bring you up to speed ... hope you all enjoy this lighthearted insight into the somewhat weird and wonderful world that is UBER and human behaviours taking place in the form of 4motion, 1/2 price fares and leather chairs.
So what led me to to it ?
--
Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 4 years or you're against smartphones and still use a nokia 3210 or cup and string..... you would have heard about this app / ridesharing company creating quite a stir around the world amongst taxi drivers and consumers, providing a friendly, easy to use and convenient platform for people to get from A to B (or sometimes C , D AND F) without the bullshit headache that taxi drivers are providing at a kings ransom. What doesn't appeal about being a part of a multibillion dollar company riling up a bunch of old geezers and rocking the business world.
My former neighbour Danidaellus signed up to be a driver a couple of years ago and told me to give it a try but after he gave up on the idea (getting banned after trying to book fares for himself) I pretty quickly stopped hearing about it and left my thoughts.. for the time.
I've never used it as a rider or guest of a rider so was never really sure what to expect but have been hearing good things from others.. personally I enjoy the cardio from walking home from the city in my seldom drunken haze or attempting my best to speak chinese to taxi drivers but unfortunately my mandarin is not very complex and only consists of 'Hello' , 'Whos your Daddy' and 'Thanks' ... my subcontinental cabbies always love and laugh when i can manage to insult them, their mum, sister ,grandma and girlfriend in the one sentence with perfect form and accent..... courtesy of my many years in sales and marketing jobs.
After hearing more and more positive things about uber and uberX as the months and years went by i i started to re-consider doing it as a side income and laugh.
then my MAMA started to persist I do it as she was hearing from someone she knew that it was a bit of a hoot, After a SILVER TOP TAXI almost TBONED my gf in her car and wrote it off.. and instead of claiming through his insurance to reimburse us he decided to neglect that and the taxi is taking us to court at our expense ... This really pissed me off I finally decided to stick one up them and joined up with this band of controversial yet loveable, undercover super driving dudes providing a better service.
.. . i thought "Hey.. There are worse things to be doing than cruising around the streets in a luxurious high powered european super hatch.. listening to the most banging beats known to man from my private collection as well as heroin infused swinging jazz music on eastside radio at 3am, as well as the rhasta dudes on weekend koori radio FM playing some quality stuff and talking about drinking potato juice for arthritis.. selassi e ayyy !.)
also a good way of networking and reconnecting with my fellow humanoids at a rapid rate of interaction all while making some koin.
Thankfully due to the blessed universe and my divine connection I had prepared a comfortable yet stylish environment for all these interactions to take place by forming a union with the TUR7LE. the intergalactic shuttle of divine.
IGNITION ON.
As this is a recollection of the past few months of my foray into the funny and often fiendish realm of ride sharing.. please bare with me as I recap to the best of my infinitely wonderful memory and bring you up to speed ... hope you all enjoy this lighthearted insight into the somewhat weird and wonderful world that is UBER and human behaviours taking place in the form of 4motion, 1/2 price fares and leather chairs.
So what led me to to it ?
--
Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 4 years or you're against smartphones and still use a nokia 3210 or cup and string..... you would have heard about this app / ridesharing company creating quite a stir around the world amongst taxi drivers and consumers, providing a friendly, easy to use and convenient platform for people to get from A to B (or sometimes C , D AND F) without the bullshit headache that taxi drivers are providing at a kings ransom. What doesn't appeal about being a part of a multibillion dollar company riling up a bunch of old geezers and rocking the business world.
My former neighbour Danidaellus signed up to be a driver a couple of years ago and told me to give it a try but after he gave up on the idea (getting banned after trying to book fares for himself) I pretty quickly stopped hearing about it and left my thoughts.. for the time.
I've never used it as a rider or guest of a rider so was never really sure what to expect but have been hearing good things from others.. personally I enjoy the cardio from walking home from the city in my seldom drunken haze or attempting my best to speak chinese to taxi drivers but unfortunately my mandarin is not very complex and only consists of 'Hello' , 'Whos your Daddy' and 'Thanks' ... my subcontinental cabbies always love and laugh when i can manage to insult them, their mum, sister ,grandma and girlfriend in the one sentence with perfect form and accent..... courtesy of my many years in sales and marketing jobs.
After hearing more and more positive things about uber and uberX as the months and years went by i i started to re-consider doing it as a side income and laugh.
then my MAMA started to persist I do it as she was hearing from someone she knew that it was a bit of a hoot, After a SILVER TOP TAXI almost TBONED my gf in her car and wrote it off.. and instead of claiming through his insurance to reimburse us he decided to neglect that and the taxi is taking us to court at our expense ... This really pissed me off I finally decided to stick one up them and joined up with this band of controversial yet loveable, undercover super driving dudes providing a better service.
.. . i thought "Hey.. There are worse things to be doing than cruising around the streets in a luxurious high powered european super hatch.. listening to the most banging beats known to man from my private collection as well as heroin infused swinging jazz music on eastside radio at 3am, as well as the rhasta dudes on weekend koori radio FM playing some quality stuff and talking about drinking potato juice for arthritis.. selassi e ayyy !.)
also a good way of networking and reconnecting with my fellow humanoids at a rapid rate of interaction all while making some koin.
Thankfully due to the blessed universe and my divine connection I had prepared a comfortable yet stylish environment for all these interactions to take place by forming a union with the TUR7LE. the intergalactic shuttle of divine.
IGNITION ON.
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